


to think is to be alive

by nishiinoya (starbomb)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, AsaNoya - Freeform, Comfort, Drabble, M/M, dont ask about the "little flower" thing bc idk, i feel like asahi would call his partner cute things like that, idk sorry, it is super late rn and idk what im doing but here have this, nishinoya is having some problems., very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbomb/pseuds/nishiinoya
Summary: nishinoya gets lost in his own thoughts and imagination often.it's gotten out of his control.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello this is my first haikyuu fic.
> 
> asanoya is #1 otp u cant tell me otherwise kagehina who
> 
> its late rn idk what im doing this is super plotless and gay and probably bad but whatever
> 
> also im bad at summaries sorry
> 
> [trigger warning]

Yuu Nishinoya had an ever-active mind and imagination. It was hard for him to control; there were many times he would let his thoughts go wild and he ended up having to leave his classroom, or leave in the middle of dinner or family time to calm himself down.  


However, the last few times he had one of those breakdowns, he had a really hard time getting himself calm. There was one subject that, when his mind lost control, he couldn't find a way to slow it down again.  


Whenever he thought about Azumane Asahi, his imagination went awry and he couldn't stop it.  


He would be sitting at his home, lying on his bed; maybe his phone was in his hand, staring at it as he waited for a text reply; maybe he was simply doing nothing; but there he would lay, and then his mind would come alive with all different kinds of scenarios, all based around _Azumane Asahi._  


_What would it be like to lay with Asahi-san?_ he would wonder. _To feel him hold me close? As if he were protecting me from the world?_  


Then, his thoughts became visions; he started to picture whatever he was thinking of.  


_I can see him... I can feel him... Those strong arms, around my waist; I can feel his breath on my ear. He's holding me. His hand rests on my lower back. His hand is so warm. He's so warm. I nuzzle my face against his chest. I feel him chuckle. I hear him chuckle. He's so soft. I love the way his chest moves as he breathes. He's so relaxing._  


Nishinoya wished for this to come true; the way he felt for the older was a feeling like no other. He may only be a second year in high school, but whatever he felt for Asahi was something real. Call it a high school crush, but to him it was love. He _loved_ Azumane Asahi.  


_He's holding me tighter now. I feel his soft lips graze against the skin of my shoulder. When did I lose my shirt? I don't know and I don't care. I feel like my skin is on fire, just with that one little gesture. He does it again, and this time a real kiss follows; I shudder at how it feels against my skin. He's so gentle, as though I would break if he were to touch me too hard._  


As much as Nishinoya enjoyed these thoughts; as warm as they made his chest and heart; there was an underlying guilt. A feeling of dread. How could he think these thoughts about his dear best friend? His friend, whom would never want him in the way Nishinoya wanted the other.  


With those types of thoughts came panic and sadness; a lethal combination. Soon, Nishinoya would be curled up into a tight ball, his hands in his hair, and tears trickling down his cheeks. His head was so loud, it was all so loud. It told him horrible things; _Asahi would be disgusted with you. How dare you let yourself think those things? He won't want to spike your receives, or your tosses. He won't want to be near you._

"Sh-shut up..." he would whimper, burying his face in his hands. He would cry, and cry, until his body gave out on him and he passed out.  


Nishinoya was currently getting dressed for volleyball practice. His mind was boggled with all of the things he thought about Asahi, and how it made him feel. Wonderful, and then terrible. As he tugged his white shirt over his head, he couldn't stop the long, heavy sigh that escaped. His shoulders slouched slightly.  


"Oi, Noya." A voice broke Nishinoya from his thoughts and he turned his head to see Sugawara standing at his locker, looking at him with concern etched in his features. "You alright?"  


Nishinoya quickly knocked up his wall and plastered a grin on his face. "Of course! Why wouldn't I be, Suga-san?"  


"You don't need to pretend with me, Nishinoya."  


Nishinoya's wall wavered at the soft tone of voice Sugawara spoke to him in, but it did not topple.  


"What? Stop saying weird things!" Nishinoya laughed, walking over to Sugawara and patting his shoulder roughly. "Hurry up and get changed! We're playing practice games today!"  


"Noya--"  


Nishinoya left the changing room without another word, jogging onto the gym floor; he hoped that playing volleyball would calm his mind some.  


"Ah, hey, Noya-senpai!" a cheerful voice exclaimed, and Shoyo came bounding over to him; he was already covered in sweat, as he always was when Nishinoya arrived. He must have been working with Kageyama again.  


"Oh, hi, Sho-chan." Nishinoya inwardly winced at how distant he sounded, even to himself. He saw Hinata frown at him and tilt his head.  


"Are you feeling okay, Nishinoya-san?" he asked curiously, blinking his wide, innocent eyes. Nishinoya quickly reenforced his wall and he smiled brightly at Hinata, slapping his back as hard as he could without seriously hurting the younger boy.  


"Of course I am!" he exclaimed, laughing as he watched Hinata stumble from the blow to his back.  


"Oi, Noya, stop being so rough on Hinata."  


The sound of his voice had Nishinoya frozen in his spot. He was so far gone.  


Asahi came strolling up to the two shorter boys, a soft smile on his face; that smile that Nishinoya loved more than any other smile in the world. The taller said something to Hinata, but Nishinoya wasn't listening; he was watching the way Asahi's lips moved, memorizing how they looked, and pondering what they felt like, what they tasted like. Suddenly, Hinata exclaimed a "Right!" and sprinted back over to where Kageyama was waiting for him. Nishinoya shook himself from his thoughts. _Now was not the time for that._  


"Daichi put us on teams for the practice game," Asahi spoke to Nishinoya; _was he imagining things, or was the way he spoke to Nishinoya different from how he spoke to Hinata? Softer?_ "You and I are on a team with Tsukishima, Suga, Ennoshita, and Tanaka."  


"Okay," Nishinoya said with a nod, averting his gaze from Asahi; he felt his cheeks warm. "Let's get warmed up."  


"Hm? Noya, are you alr--"  


"C'mon, Asahi-san, everyone's starting without us." Nishinoya flashed a smile to Asahi before scurrying towards the court to begin practice with the rest of the team.  


He hoped Asahi would drop what had just happened.  


\---  


"Don't mind, Noya! Get back up!" Tanaka exclaimed to him, but Nishinoya could hear the worry in his voice. That was the fifth ball in a row Nishinoya had dived for and failed to receive. The libero already had bruises forming on his arms, and his sides ached; but he was too furious at himself to stop.  


That practice, he had only successfully received four balls. His ever-active mind was too active that night. He was at the end of the line.  


Still on the ground after his last failed receive, Nishinoya growled in frustration, slamming his fist against the wood gym floor harshly; he knew he would regret that later, as he could already feel the pain in his hand, but he didn't care at that moment.  


"I can't fucking do it anymore!" he shouted, once more hitting the ground. "What's wrong with me?! Shut up! Just shut up!"  


The gym fell silent.  


Nishinoya stayed there on the floor, his chest heaving. His thoughts had become a jumbled cloud of anxiety and hurt. Some of it was Asahi; the other was his own fears and demons. _If I can't save the ball, this whole team falls apart._  


He let his head fall against the cold wood floor, to hide the tears pooling in his eyes. He was a mess.  


"Stop, please, stop..." he gasped, his hands finding their way to his hair. "All you do is make noise! Stop! You're so loud!"  


"N-Noya..." The sound of Sugawara's voice only made him curl up on himself.  


"Hold on, Suga-san." Nishinoya gripped his hair tighter at Asahi's voice. He heard footsteps come closer, but he refused to look up. If he looked at Asahi's gentle brown eyes, he would have lost his head.  


"Asahi, take him to the club room and calm him down," Coach Ukai instructed softly. "I think he needs some time off the court."  


"Alright."  


Nishinoya did not protest as Asahi lifted him up into his arms and carried him from the gym; he said nothing, as well, laying limp in Asahi's hold. He felt pathetic.  


As they stepped into the club room, Asahi heaved a sigh, sitting on the floor with Nishinoya in his lap. The smaller made no effort to move, or to speak. There was silence.  


"Nishinoya, what is going on?" Asahi asked, breaking the silence between them. "You've been strange all practice. What's gotten my bright ball of sunshine so cloudy?"  


Nishinoya's wall began to crumble, and slowly he met Asahi's eyes. The second he did, his vision blurred with tears.  


"I'm a basket case," he said suddenly, his lower lip quivering as his salty tears spilled over. "Why can't I do things right? I can't even think right! I can't control my own thoughts! And now, it's affecting how I play!"  


Asahi blinked down at Nishinoya, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Nishinoya, what happened?"  


"You happened!" Nishinoya shouted before thinking; his mind was running a million miles an hour, and now everything was starting to tumble out of his mouth before he even had the chance to stop it. "You happened, goddammit! Before you, I could think just fine! My head was level! Then I met you, and it all went to shit! You're the only thing my stupid head wants to think about. You're all it wants to see! You started this mess!"  


Nishinoya's small hands gripped to Asahi's shirt and he shook the older just slightly. "After you, my head over-analyzes everything! It's always making noise! So much _noise_! I think too much about everything I do, and before, volleyball was excluded, but now it seems that everything is too clouded! I can't visualize the receive or set! And if I can't receive or set, you can't spike! Because my head doesn't want to visualize volleyball, it wants to visualize _you_! You! It's all fucking you!"  


Another bought of silence fell over them, and it hit Nishinoya like a freight train what he had just confessed to Asahi. He scrambled off of Asahi and scooted his back against the lockers, tangling his fingers in his sweaty hair. His head was jumbled with so many words, so many thoughts. _What next? What did Asahi think of him? Was this the end of their friendship? What about volleyball? What was gonna happen?_  


"Stop!" he whined, tears endlessly streaking down his cheeks. "Shut up! I'm fine! I'm fine, goddammit!"  


"N-Noya!" Asahi exclaimed, crawling over to the smaller and taking his hands. "Noya, please calm down! P-please, you're scaring me." The older of the two held tight to Nishinoya's hands, not letting him squirm away, like he was trying to do. "Noya! Breathe, relax!"  


"I _can't_! Can't you see?! I never relax! I never can!" Nishinoya wailed, shaking his head wildly; his hair had begun to flop down against his forehead and into his eyes. His thoughts swarmed him once more; his demons snarled at him, telling him how stupid and ridiculous he was. He screamed as he flung his head back against the lockers, trying to get his head to stop.  


"Nishinoya! Don't do that!" Asahi gasped, but Nishinoya did nothing but repeat the action. "Noya!"  


" _SHUT UP_!" Nishinoya shrieked. "I'm fine! I'm fine! God fucking dammit, why won't you let me be fine?!"  


Asahi glanced around frantically, as though he were trying desperately to think of something to do. Suddenly, Nishinoya was engulfed in warmth, and his entire body went stiff. His eyes went wide, his squirming ceased, and most noticeable; his mind went silent.  


Asahi was hugging him.  


This wasn't the first time he and Asahi had hugged. However, it was always Nishinoya who initiated the hug, always very roughly and excitable. But just then, Asahi was the one who pulled him close. He was the one who wrapped his arms around Nishinoya first, holding him as tight as he could.  


"A-Asahi-san..." Nishinoya gasped, his hands starting to tremble. Another round of tears filled his eyes and he started to sob, burying his face in Asahi's shoulder and letting his hands grip to the back of his shirt. "Asahi-san! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"  


"No, no Noya," Asahi said softly; Nishinoya felt one of his hands come up and rub the back of his head where he had previously slammed it against the lockers. Nishinoya felt his mind go even calmer. _Strange, how Asahi's simple, gentle touch can make me feel so... relaxed_. "Please, talk to me about what you're going through. I want you to be okay. I will always listen. Your thoughts do not control you."  


"But they do," Nishinoya blubbered, his tears soaking Asahi's shoulder. "They never stop! I can't think right, I can't sleep... I never thought it would affect how I play volleyball; playing was always something I did on instinct, so I could do my best to just shut my thoughts off, but... I can't d-do that anymore. I-I... I can't stop thinking... I'm always thinking too much..."  


"Noya, to think is to be alive," Asahi said gently, running his fingers through Nishinoya's hair slowly. The latter could feel Asahi's breath on his ear, and he felt his tired eyes slip shut. "If ever the thoughts are too much, you can always come to me... okay? Voice them, get them out. Don't hold them in, that's how these types of things happen. I know...I know you said that this is my fault--"  


"No!" Nishinoya gasped, pushing Asahi back just enough so he could look at him. "No, Asahi! I'm sorry I said that, because it's not true! This is...This is no one's fault." His eyebrows furrowed slightly. "No one's fault..."  


"No one's fault," Asahi repeated in a whisper. "Especially not your own. I'm glad you can realize this."  


Asahi's face held his signature soft, closed eyed smile. Nishinoya's eyes danced all over Asahi's face, taking in every detail and memorizing it. Asahi was beautiful.  


"A-Asahi-san?" Nishinoya asked softly. Asahi hummed softly for him to continue. "M-may I... voice thoughts right now?"  


"Of course, Nishinoya," Asahi said instantly, looking at Nishinoya as though he were the only thing in the world right then. Nishinoya's already flushed face burned an even deeper shade of red. His eyes glanced away bashfully, and he took the calmest breath he had taken all day.  


"I... I said those things I said because it was partially true," he murmured, sniffling slightly. "Y-you're all I can think about, Asahi-san... I-I can't stop all these thoughts of you. You cloud everything I do. That's why things were so bad today. I was thinking about you; but when I think about you, I don't always think good things, a-and then they all spiral into s-something worse, and then--" Nishinoya gasped as his mind started to make noise again and his hands went to grip his hair, but before they reached their destination, a pair of strong hands grabbed them and stopped them. Once more, the younger's mind quieted.  


"It's okay, Noya." Asahi brought Nishinoya's hand up to his mouth, and he pressed the most gentle of kisses to his fingers. A shiver rippled up Nishinoya's spine and his face went beet red. "I hope those bad thoughts about me aren't that I would be disgusted by this all. Because I would never be disgusted with you, precious flower."  


_How did he know?_ Nishinoya thought in shock. _Precious flower..._  


"H-how could you not be?!" Nishinoya asked desperately, his eyebrows furrowing together and he shook his head. "I'm thinking things a boy shouldn't think of his best friend!"  


"Noya, there's nothing wrong with a boy thinking those kinds of thoughts," Asahi reassured, a hand reaching out and gingerly cupping Nishinoya's cheek. His thumb stroked against the apple of his cheek. "Don't you see, Noya? You little flower, why do you think I'm not pushing you away?"  


Nishinoya blinked at Asahi for a few moments before his eyes went wide. "A-Asahi-san--?"  


Asahi leaned forward enough to rest his forehead against Nishinoya's and he chuckled lightly. "I think it's very sweet that you think of me so much. You know, I think of you just as much... maybe even more."  


"You...You do?" Nishinoya asked; his voice was so soft and innocent.  


"Of course I do," Asahi whispered, gently booping his nose against the younger's. "You're on my mind all day, every day. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, knowing you think of me as well. I hope a weight has been lifted for you, too, now."  


He was right. Nishinoya felt as though he could breathe normally again. _He doesn't hate me. He's not disgusted with me. **He thinks of me.**_  


"A-Asahi..." Nishinoya breathed, letting his arms snake around Asahi's shoulders. "Y-you have no idea how it feels to h-hear you say that... I-I've been a mess for months..."  


"Little flower, why didn't you say anything?" Asahi frowned; he placed his hands comfortably on Nishinoya's waist. "You and I have been as close as can be since we've met."  


"I know," Nishinoya sighed. His eyes closed briefly, his cheeks bashfully warm. "I was just... afraid. I-I didn't want to ruin our friendship."  


"Well, I'm glad we've talked about it now," Asahi said with a smile. He nibbled on his lower lip nervously. "N-Noya-chan?"  


"Y-yes, Asahi-san?"  


"I know it's very early on, but..." Asahi started to fall back into his normal character; bashful and anxious. His tongue tripped slightly over his next words; "may I... C-can I... um..."  


Seeing him like that, Nishinoya couldn't help but giggle at him; now that his mind wasn't yelling at him, he felt himself go back to normal as well.  


"Kiss me, Asahi-san."  


Asahi wasted no time in leaning in and pressing their lips together firmly. Nishinoya responded instantly, moving his lips along with Asahi's gingerly; they were slightly chapped, yet Nishinoya found that he didn't care one bit. Asahi tasted strangely of honey. Nishinoya liked it. He liked it a lot. He felt as though his body was on a cloud; he felt relaxed and excited, all at the same time.  


When they finally pulled apart, Nishinoya looked up at Asahi with slightly sparkling eyes, and the beginnings of a bright smile. "That felt nice."  


"It did," Asahi murmured, the corners of his lips twitched up into a small smile. "C-can we do it again sometime?"  


"Most definitely." Nishinoya giggled softly and bit his lower lip. "Oh... And A-Asahi-san?"  


"Yes, Noya-chan?"  


"I liked it when you called me little flower."  


\---  


People weren't fixed overnight. One conversation does not magically make all of someone's problems go away. Both Nishinoya and Asahi knew this; but Asahi was determined to help Nishinoya in every way he could. Not once did he ever give up on him, or walk away from him in frustration.  


Nishinoya still had his breakdowns; some were over school, some over volleyball, and some were even still over how Asahi felt about him. Whenever a breakdown occurred, Asahi was always right there to help Nishinoya through it. He would remind him to breathe, tell him his worries were normal, and let him know it was all okay. And it was. Nishinoya was finally okay.  


No, Nishinoya was not fixed overnight. You could argue he was never fixed. You could argue he was never broken. Whatever the case may be; Nishinoya had finally begun to voice his incoherent thoughts and stopped letting them build up. He was once again able to receive and set in volleyball. He could focus a little better on his studies. He spent more time with his family. And, best of all...  


If ever he wanted one of his scenarios with Asahi to come true, all he had to do was call him.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry its so all over the place, and if there are any grammar errors. late night drabbles arent always organized. i needed something to release my own thoughts. hope you enjoyed my first ever asanoya. please tell me what you think. xx


End file.
